I am a VERY serious person. I walked 9 miles today until the soles of my feet were raw. That’s SERIOUS. I spent 99 cents on a bean and cheese burrito for lunch (and seriously, all it was filled with were refried beans and jack cheese). I contemplated the flowers as I walked to Lake Merrit and considered the honky tonk band at the farmer’s market. On a speckled bench, I followed my breath as children chased pigeons with pieces of bread and frozen desserts. I smiled and seconds later was acutely aware of the smile. The after-image of the smile that is burned into the brain after the actual smile is over. It’s like a label: Person who smiles at other humans. It lingers just long enough to be irritating until the next time. And on such a sunny, warm day, there are many next times. (I think I’m developing a little compassion for the excruciating self-consciousness of Dave Eggers, Steve.)
Except, here I am kind of lying. Because I’m not writing this as it happens. Not even the same day. I realize that the entry is dated Saturday, March 13. Do you always believe what you read? Maybe I was actually less self-conscious yesterday than I remember. Maybe, since I’m writing this way after the fact, all that I can recall are those moments I was stuck in my head, and the parts of the day when I was fully present are gone now. Of course they are. This is the present moment now. Sitting at the keyboard, barefoot, furry blue snake wrapped around my neck and Michael tap tapping his own keys across the room.