Dad called today. He’s taking Mom and David to Hawaii tomorrow for a month. He says she’s cold, and all she wants to do these days is sit by the fire and eat chocolate. Mmmmmm… Me too. Come home through the wind and rain, light my candles, and watch American Idol with a mug of sugar-free cocoa. Try not to set off the smoke alarm again tonight. How to find meaning in any of this? And what do I mean by “meaning?”
Service. Usefulness. Washing dishes feels good. Being nice to Michael. Is that all there is? Nights like this, the emptiness is so vast… but not in a profound sense. Or maybe it is profound, but this depression keeps me from feeling it. Or maybe I’m just distracted by too many car commercials and ads for text messaging. Such power all through this house. We are WIRED. And for what? For what use?
Weather. Storms. Electricity. Data packets. The world becoming one great big branded mind. Communication, right? But what are we saying? What are we hearing? Sound bytes. Not too many words but power concentrated into an empty few. And I buy and I buy… Wow, look at that coat. Those buttons. These earrings. Candles. More movies. Books. Feed me more more more more more… substance… because I’m sooooo afraid of the void. As soon as I finish this book, I’ll meditate. Okay, this is the last one. Then I’ll be quiet. Okay? I just have to check my weight once more. My hair. Teeth.
I know what I know. And still I run. Okay, so tonight I’m running. I’m sitting at the computer typing these words, but in my mind, I’m sitting in a papasan chair with my legs crossed and eyes closed, breathing. Who ever heard of anything so absurd?