The Bay Area weather today was gorgeous! Warm, sunny, flowers in bloom, allergies flared up all over the place. Fortunately, I’m not a sufferer (as many of my friends are), so for me the day was perfect. Had Peking duck with our accountants in Chinatown. Then met Red for chocolate cake and iced coffee at Just Desserts. But the experience was bitter sweet. Tonight, Michael and I get on a plane for the rain, snow, and freezing temperatures of the East Coast. Question: Is there a way for a body that is so sensitive to cold to find peace?
I feel like I go through my days constantly obsessed with 2 things: food and heat. The food thing is way too complex and freaky to deal with right now. Especially after having succumbed to the biggest fit of gluttony since… oh… last Saturday at Red’s house. (Yeah, it’s a pattern.) But the heat thing is more manageable since, for the moment, I’m fairly warm.
So, a typical day goes like this: I relinquish the intense warmth of my bed for the cold floors, walls, surfaces of this house around 8:30AM. Put the kettle on and enjoy washing last night’s dishes… Mmmmm… hot water. Have my tea (more hot water) and then jump in the shower! As environmentally conscious as I am, I often can’t bring myself to leave the tub until the hot water runs out. But it’s okay, because now with my super-short haircut, I get to use the blow dryer every day. HEAT!! Then, get dressed, wrap up, sweaters, scarf, gloves, jacket, and off into the cold cold day.
For the rest of the day, I’m pretty much resigned to being cold. It’s cold outside. Cold at the office. Cold wherever I end up going. Then, I come home at night to a cold, cold house again, and I don’t get warm until it’s time for bed — around 12am. And interestingly, night is when I am at my most depressed.
Depressed and cold. Not accepting the cold. Hating it. Wanting to be warm. The obsession with wanting things different than they are and the disillusionment from knowing that nothing is permanent. Any little bit of heat I find each day (as with any other kind of pleasure) is temporary. Of course, you can argue that unpleasant things are also temporary, and isn’t that a cause for relief?
But it’s the whole attachment/aversion cycle, isn’t it? Unpleasant situations always seem to last too long, while pleasant situations don’t last long enough. Push/Pull Push/Pull. The will gets tired finally, gives up. As well it should, finally understanding the utter fultility of the struggle. Depression sets in then. Depression as the bleakness, the absolute hopelessness that precedes… Enlightenment!?!?!?! (I haven’t a clue!)
So anyway, we’re leaving for the airport in 10 minutes. I’ve put on my comfy overalls and have a couple of new books to read on the plane. It’s maple syrup season in Western Massachussetts, Toscannini’s ice cream in Boston, and hot dogs and roasted nuts on the streets of New York City. I’m ready, I think.